To Do lists

1. Write out to-do list for today.

2. Write blog on to-do list

Do you all live on to-do lists like I do?   How many do you write in a week? Recently, as we were leaving for a trip, I started freaking out and frantically searching through my bags trying to find the trip prep to-do list.  You know those moments, where you feel like your world is going to fall apart because you may forget to do one thing on there?   No matter how much I looked, it was gone.  Mentally I started looking thinking through the list, trying to remember if there was anything left on there.  I left for the trip with a feeling of unsettledness, worried I had forgotten something.

I love to-do lists!  But not because I always need another project, but it puts my mind at ease when I can see it on paper.  Shh, don't tell people this, but you know that back section of the bulletin where it says to write notes on the sermon? Yah, I usually fill it with my to-do list during the first minutes of worship.  Before you judge me, let me tell you it actually helps me worship.  For some reason, my brain loves having a hundred browser tabs open all the time.  You know the saying, how men think in boxes so they can just shut the box and put it away.  Well, my husband says I have a 100 internet browser tabs open all the time.  And I have to constantly think on them for fear I'l forget them.  Somehow, when I make a to-do list, it puts my mind at ease and I can let it go.  (insert Frozen song) If the paper has all my ideas on it, I don't have to remember it anymore.  My brain can move on knowing my trusty list has it covered.  :-)

Yes, I know in theory, that life will continue just fine if I don't get it all done.  That someone will call to remind me if I'm not there to meet them. That I'll remember it later, or I'll get an email reminder.  Or perhaps I'll forget it because it really wasn't that important to start with.  My motives wrestle within me in writing them. 

Part of me writes them in the hopes of becoming....everything.   Remember that post about being enough?  I want to be good at maintaining contact with people, have beautiful gardens, read books, be hospitable, organized, put together, etc, etc, etc.  So I make desperate lists in the hopes that it will help be come what I am not. That I will be...enough.  But, the dream doesn't work.  There's not magic in writing it down that makes it happen.  I'm still ...me.  

The other part of me writes it down out of a knowledge that what I prioritize, I do.  You can tell by the dust on my shelves, but the lack of dishes in my sink, that I view clean dishes as more important than clean shelves.  Or the rows of tiny seedlings, but the lack of home-cooked meals that nothing else matters when gardening season happens. :-)  Some day I'd like to read the book, Say Good-bye to Survival Mode written by Crystal Paine.  It details her journey towards prioritizing the many things that call for our attention.  When I pick the top 5 things for the day and do them, there is a marvelous sense of accomplishment in crossing them off the list!  It also means, I don't have to worry about the other items for they aren't the priority. 

Prioritizing is the key, I think, to finding that balance.  Not based on what the world or I value.  But what does Jesus say?  Waking up each morning and saying: 'Good morning, Lord, here are all the lists of things I thought maybe we should do. But what would you like to do today? What are your priorities?'.  Then comes the feeling of both accomplishment and peace as together (the Lord and I) do the things on His list. 

Lord, help me to value the things you do.  To see priorities as you do, and not to get caught up in trying to be enough.  

You know that list that I anxiously searched for before my trip?  Yah, I found it yesterday. There were only two things left on the list to do.  But it turns out life happened just fine without them.  :-) 

From the worm's perspective....

From his perspective, he was accomplishing his goal. He was a real "earth mover", ground shaker, go getter.  From his perspective, he was changing his world.   Things moved when he came.  Pathways were carved, and new environments created.  Plants around him flourished, and he was created with a special role in God's creation.  

From my perspective?   He was just an earthworm, struggling to pull a plant seed into the dirt.  He was one of many earthworms I've come across in my gardening adventures.  And he treasured an annoying little weed that didn't belong in my garden.  He was so tiny you wouldn't have seen him unless you were weeding in his turf.

It was all about perspective.   Mine was vastly different than his.  The only reason he stood out to me from the many other earthworms that day, was his intense focus on his job.  He desperately wanted that bit of plant to come into the dirt.  He moved it so intently back and forth. When you look close enough, you can see two parts of the worm, perhaps his head and tail working together?

Often from my perspective, someone else's goal seems meaningless.  They are one of many.  There are many plant parts out there, why does this one matter?  And to someone else, I am probably the same as that earthworm....intently focused on moving my plant seed back and forth.  A plant seed that probably annoys some people. :-)

But to the Lord? He sees all the earthworms (both the real ones and us too!) :-).  He understands each perspective, each value, and each goal.  He doesn't ridicule the intense focus on my spot in the garden, rather he encourages new growth and perseverance.

Lord, help me to value others as you do. To see from their eyes the things they value and treasure.  Thank you for seeing me as part of your creation.  You are the Master Gardener overseeing my little spot in your garden.  Help me to show the same diligence to each task (even if it's small) as the earthworm showed to that weed.

Tomato forest

JUNE 15, 2014 / FELICIA STOUT / EDIT

For months, I was eagerly anticipating a visit to family run greenhouse just across the state border. I heard stories of its flower varieties, hot pepper options, and luxurious plants. 

I excitedly watched their opening day updates on Facebook and perused the flower photos. This was it….the place where our garden dreams would be birthed. Excitedly, we drove there to peruse the options. 
It looked a little picked over when we got there, but we weren’t daunted. However, upon asking the employee where the vegetables were, we were met clouds of disappointment. “Um, we don’t have much, there’s hardly any back there. This is the lowest we’ve been ever.” 
There were no tomatoes, no peppers, only a few picked over vegetables. Turns out, people had bought plants, lost them in the sudden freeze, and then bought them again. This left no plants for those of us who had waited for warm weather to plant. Sadly, we turned around and drove back to town. Anxiously we visited Walmart and Menards, only to find them picked over with little left. Desperately, we drove to Lewis wondering…would we even have a garden?

Ahh, at last! The day was saved when we saw loads of tomato plants and herbs lining the shelves.  Out of desperate relief, my husband bought loads of them. Thinking…”since there’s a run on them we must get as many as we can!”.

It wasn’t until later when we realized just how many we bought. :-) I started planting…and planting…and planting… and soon our tomato/pepper garden was just a tomato garden with a couple squeezed in pepper plants. Out of relief for finally finding some plants, he had overbought….reacted out of fear. We had a tomato forest!  I figure we have 46 ish plants squeezed in. :-)

Isn’t that what we do often? When we are afraid? Afraid of not being noticed, afraid of not having enough to eat, enough money, enough shoes, enough beauty, enough approval? Afraid of not being loved? Just afraid….we are not enough…..

Out of fear, we grab on to whatever we can get, what ever crumbs, brief glimpses, shadows of what we fear we lack. And even if we have enough, we still grab for more out of fear we may run out. 

You see it in large and small ways… in people clutching to relationships though they know it’s unhealthy just because they “lack love”. Men chasing business plans as if chasing a dream of being ‘enough’. Women chasing this “revolutionary” beauty product (when will we run out of new varieties of mascara) or that “ground breaking” new fitness program to make them feel they are “enough”. 
Don’t get me wrong, business, makeup and fitness are not wrong objectives, just when they are what you ‘need’ to be ‘enough’.

The same as my tendency to order too much food when I’m super hungry, because I’m afraid I won’t have ‘enough’. Afraid to give away hardly worn clothes, because I may ‘need it some day’. 
Holding on tightly to any small note of appreciation because I fear I’m not ‘enough.” This fear of having ‘enough’ or being ‘enough’ can fill everything.

The Lord whispers gently….you are enough in me….I am enough for you. You don’t have to strive, you don’t have to run after that wisp of acceptance.
Come to me, my love for you is genuine, real, long-lasting, authentic….enough. You can rest. You can be.

“…my grace is sufficient for you and my power is made perfect in weakness”. 2 Cor. 12:9

Lord, you are enough. More than enough. Thank you for that reminder…in my tomato forest.

My Forest

He knew....He knew and yet I questioned. I questioned his choice, his wisdom in planning out this place. I covet ...I covet large spaces with full sun. Not this tree filled corner lot.  Not....my forest. One of my dear friends is blessed to buy the home of her dreams, with a large double lot attached full of long warm hours in the sun.  Last year, I planted numerous vegetables which provided a meager harvest. Our deck was transformed into a tomato jungle of 5 gallon bucket plants growing everywhere.
Still, with visions in my head of the garden we had in the country growing up, disappointment filled my heart. Why? Why were we given a yard filled with trees? 
Why couldn't you plan for us a yard full of long hours of basking in the warm sun? A yard that would cause any plant to thrive and produce like a Mother Earth newsletter dream garden.

Label it what you want, coveting, dissatisfaction, or discontentment. It's a lack of trust, of joy, of peace. It's a lack of .....Jesus.

Growing up in the country grew within me a love for open spaces, large gardens, and quiet places. When we first moved out there, we lived on a gravel country road away from the city. We protested the construction of a tar road feeling like it was a step away from our quiet country life. Moving into the city when I got married was the end of 16 years of quiet living. The Lord knew my aversion to loud places, to traffic jams, to suburban dwelling, to houses cut like cookie cutters, and to small crowded spaces.
So He gave me a nice double lot filled with 13 trees (well, it was 14 until the ice storm took one down last spring), in an old neighborhood. He gave me an oasis, a quiet spot in the middle of the city. 
My husband and I enjoy resting in the gazebo in the middle of the privacy fenced in flower garden during a rain storm, listening to the pitter-patter of rain drops and smelling the fresh rain cleansed air.

Yet, I covet. I long for open sun filled garden growing space, yet reject it whenever anyone suggests we cut down one of our trees. One day the Lord pointed out my lack of trust in His plan.
My heart was filled with ungratefulness in his doing and wishing he had given us something 'better'...also known as something I picked out. :-) 
Then I realized that ........He knew.  He knew that I needed a quiet tree filled yard to replace my country living. He knew that I would meet lovely neighbors who would become friends. He knew that the gazebo would provide a place of refuge, a welcoming spot in which to have long conversations with friends and family. 
He knew that since I couldn't have the sun garden I wanted, I would need to use the community garden and have the opportunity to invest in the people around there. 
He knew what was best and He had (as He always does) a higher plan for me than I had planned for my self.

For without this 'spot' (there's a funny Youtube video called 'Neature Walk' about 'enjoying your spot'), I wouldn't have the opportunity to meet my elderly neighbor, collect lilies from the people across the street, sip cool drinks with a friend and enjoy long conversations. 

He knew..... what was best for me. And it was,,,, my forest.  

The first to say 'hello'.....

One day last summer, while I was kneeling in the dirt planting seeds, an elderly lady stopped her van to see what I was doing.  She was a sweet elderly lady, the kind you would want to adopt as your grandma.   Now using your best quivery grandma voice, imagine her telling the story of how she and her husband use to plant gardens together for years.   She reminisced of years of planting flowers and vegetables in the damp soil.  Clearly, this was a treasured past time in their marriage. A tradition now ended due to her husband's death and her daily struggle with arthritis.
"I think I'll stop by your garden again so I can watch it," she tells me with excitement in her voice over finding another kindred spirit. Off and on through the summer, I saw her van drive by.  I didn't know her name, only that she loved to garden and drove a white van.
Through the following year, I randomly visited her house with little gifts of welcome.  First, it was green beans from the garden, then pumpkin bread at Christmas in the snow.  She often responded with "well, bless you" and seemed delighted.  She was still my mysterious elderly neighbor, with not much known except her religion and her love for gardening.
This spring marked the year anniversary of us first becoming "friends", and just as naturally as the first time, her white van crept up while I was tilling the garden.  "What are you planting now? I need to plant mine."   And as delighted school girls, (her being delighted to find help with her flowers, and me being delighted to make a new friend) we exchanged numbers and names.  With eager delight, I awaited the opportunity to get to know this mysterious neighbor who stopped at strangers' gardens.
 When I visited her a couple weeks later, she shared most of her life story with me.   Pining for someone to talk to made her pour forth a wealth of history when someone finally listened.  She told me of her deceased husband, her time as a nurse, stories of her grand kids, and how she used to be able to plant.  Mind you, this was all shared in the first two days we met this summer.  She is a feisty one, full of determination not to live in a nursing home.  "I'm going to fight it, kid, I am!"  She often called me kid, or dear, or a version of my name.  I didn't mind, it was like having my grandma live down the street.

I had to laugh when she kept inviting me to borrow this or that, or to come over again.  "You and your husband are welcome anytime, don't worry about dressing up, I'm just like this, this is who I am."  "You and your husband can come and we'll roast marshmallows, then you don't have to be lonely up at that big house."  "Do you want to borrow a puzzle? Then you can do it on lonely nights."   It was evident from her frequent use of the word 'lonely' that it was a familiar emotion to her. All of her family lived out of town, and I doubt she had many visitors.

With an almost giddiness, we bustled around the yard planting morning glories, moon flowers, lilies, sedum, and more.   For four hours, she ambled around the yard and talked non-stop, while I planted her flowers.  Our conversation was a hilarious one, for she often didn't hear what I said and she just kept talking to me unaware when I moved somewhere else to work.  But no matter where I moved around the yard, I would keep hearing the 'thump, thump, thump' of her cane as she tried to kill the hated dandelions.  :-)

As we walked to the garage, she made a brief comment that made my heart stop and think in it's tracks.   "You are so dear to me."  (me? dear?  we hardly know each other) "Why?"  "You were the first to knock at my door, just to say 'hello'."  

The first to say 'hello'....
In a world where we bustle around to each activity, rushing to get our to-do lists done, do we miss the 'hello's' that mean the world to someone?

I admit, making phone calls, writing letters, and planning visits is one of my biggest struggles/weaknesses.  I hate my inability to maintain contact with those I love dear, and desire the Lord to continue to grow me in this.

If not to say 'hello', why are we here?   For 'hello' is the beginning of demonstrating we are Christians by our love. It is the start of the Great Commission, the seed to every relationship, the dawning of a new opportunity, the origin of the deepest talks.  Too often I leave missed 'hello's and passed opportunities for hope for the sake of something seemingly more important.

Lord, teach me to say 'hello' more often.   To the widowed lonely neighbor, to the kid riding his bike down the street, to the lady across the street sitting on her porch, to the man tending to his landscape...all in need of a simple 'hello'.

As we ended our time that day, she for the first time complained of being tired.   No wonder, as for four hours she had hobbled around the yard telling me stories, and stamping out this or that weed.  But you should have seen her eyes.....her eyes glowed with a new life as she got to participate in her favorite past time once again.  "I think I can make it through the winter, as long as I have you to give me new life."  Yes, dear one, and perhaps...Jesus.

The Kings: The long-awaited "How-do-you-organize-your-coupons...

Found this interesting.



The Kings: The long-awaited "How-do-you-organize-your-coupons...: I was forced to move from a 1" to a 1 1/2" binder today for lack of space. I thought I would share my binder with you and sho...

When sad good byes lead to happy hellos....

It’s done.  It’s over.   Sticky fingers have loaded the bus.  Arms full of new books, treats from the end of the year party, projects to take home to show to family,   Hearts a flutter with emotion, not sure if they should miss their classmates or be excited to be free. Minds filled with uncertainty when the steady routine is replaced with inconsistent meals and activities. 5th graders leaving for middle school, and students moving away.  Today many tears were shed as everyone said their final farewells to our principal who is retiring after about 42 years. More tears were shed as a 1st grade teacher said her farewells before moving to another state.  Good byes rip something out of us, something that cries out for security and community.  Good byes force us to trust, that both of us will be fine.  Good byes are a sort of grieving, the loss of time together.  But without good byes, we may never say hello…

As much as my students and I love each other’s company (well, perhaps not everyday), if we never said good bye, we could never say hello.   Hello swimming, and soaking in the sun, planting tiny seedlings, and watching the flowers bloom!  Hello family trips to the zoo, park and to see the grandparents.  Hello books to read, time to laugh, time for walks or to ride a bike.  Some of life’s most treasured moment would never be greeted if we didn’t say good bye.  

Yes, some good byes we may never understand and they may leave us aching in pain for months even years.  When my cousins said good bye to their mom, or my friends to their unborn babies, they couldn’t see any hellos in the moment.   But my aunt did…..and those babies did……when Jesus touched their sweet faces.  For when they said good bye to us, they said hello to Jesus.  And unless they said good bye here, they could never say hellothere. Who would deny them that unspeakable joy to say hello to Jesus…..and yet our hearts are still here.. in this moment…. on this side of it.  Where it hurts. Jesus said goodbye, and many of his disciples wondered why.  But he knew he had another job to do, a home to prepare for them, to be ready to greet them when their time on earth is done.  I wonder if he missed his walks with John, or fishing with Peter.  If he missed the campfire chats, and longed for them to join Him. 

It is said that a tapestry only makes sense if you look at the top.  For underneath, the colors mix.  Intertwining, criss-crossing, looking like a mess.   And that is where we live.  Down where the colors intermix and look randomly stuck together. But Jesus sees the other side, the woven picture.  He sees how each color blends together, intermingling like notes of musical harmony. He sees all the hellos that we can’t see through the fog. He IS the certainty in my uncertainty.  The sureness when I am not. The calm and steady voice that calls through the clouds and whispers gently ……..hello.

Lord, help me to trust you.  To hear your voice when there is fog.  To say goodbye when needed, and cling to your forever promises. 

Hellos and goodbyes, hellos and goodbyes.   With out the good bye of retirement, my principal could never greet new adventures in retirement.  Without good bye to our school, my coworker could never say hello to living near family.  So much would be missed.  I had to say good bye doing things my way, and good bye to my time with my parents, to say hello to my sweet husband.   

For today, I am thankful for this goodbye. Good bye IEPs, good bye lesson planning, goodbye meetings and paperwork….until we meet again.    Hello, sipping coffee on a Friday afternoon watching the kittens play. I welcome you.